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Archive for December, 2010

Endings and Beginnings

So it’s December 30, 2010 and I’m thinking ahead to 2011. I don’t need New Year’s Eve specifically to mark the transition from one year to the next; usually I start the mental and emotional transition about a week prior to the new year.  I like the ending of a year, and particularly the end of 2010 since this was the year I turned 50 (last June).  I thought my 50th year would be somehow special and yet these past six months have been quite stressful, and not entirely happy.  I know…happy is relative…and I would say I’m happy now, but I’m also happy to be exiting the past six months and to be entering the next.  I’m continually reminded of the duality of life and, being a Gemini, it’s part of my psyche to understand it, to appreciate it, and to revel in it in many ways.  But there are times when I’d like life to be a little more one-sided, i.e. I’d like to check off a bunch of stuff that had been on my “bucket list” without necessarily adding anything new to it.  I also don’t have a great track record for finishing things, although I love to start them.  This is particularly true of my creative side – I am one of those knitters who has more unfinished projects and wool stashed in a closet than I care to admit, not to mention the bags of unfinished cross-stitch projects calling my name from the deep recesses of various craft hideaways.

More importantly for me now, though, is that I am just on the verge of completing my Bachelor of Arts degree.  Finally!  I’ve been working on it since 2001, and I hadn’t realized how much it had actually been dragging me down until I completed two of the final three courses in December.  One more to go in January, with graduation in May…yay!  I have already one foot out the university door, mentally, and I am really looking forward to receiving my diploma.  This is a huge item to cross off my life’s to-do list.  I wish I could know for certain that I will be successful in taking the degree forward with my life and securing a “career” from it, rather than getting by in the “job” I’ve held for the past 16-odd years.  I also want to have FUN.  I’ve managed to continue to do a lot in my life while working full-time, studying part-time, and maintaining my fitness level, but I think I had identified with the label of “student” long enough that a part of me is nervous to now remove it…who will I be if I’m not a student?  However, as I have had to let go of a number of other labels I identified myself with over the past 20 years, letting go of one more really won’t be an issue.  It’s more the unknown of what will replace it that concerns me now.

I sometimes wish I was one of those people who knew by age 4 what they wanted to be when they grew up, and their whole life was focused on it, and now they’re the “thing” (doctor, nurse, lawyer) and they love it.  Here I am at age 50 asking myself what I want to “be” when I grow up.  Somehow it’s a more daunting prospect!  I have plans A, B, and C, and I’ll explore all of them in 2011.  Part of me feels excited, but again, that duality of life is present in that I’m also nervous about the unknown – I’m heading into the rest of my life on my own, with less security than I’ve ever had.  Some days I want to just jump into a whole new, exciting adventure, but other days I really feel I need someone to jump along with me, to hold my hand.  Hopefully 2011 will also bring the right intimate relationship to my life.  And that’s the thing about endings – they often create space for a new beginning…a little sign from the Universe that that is in the works would be appreciated!

So, here’s to ending 2010 and cheers to beginning 2011.

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